Grief is something we all experience, whether it be grief over big life changes, hard losses, or tough relationships, but it can still be a struggle to know what to say to someone who is grieving, especially when we see someone in deep pain. What can we say or do to help release some of that hurt? Can we say anything helpful? In this post, Jenalyn and I are going to share some things learned from our own experience and through my (Abigail’s) grief coaching classes.
What not to say to someone grieving
I’m sorry.
This is one that I have said most often without really thinking about it. When we say I’m sorry, its like we are asking the person grieving to comfort us. What we want to communicate is that we are here to comfort them.
I know how you feel.
There is no way to know how someone else feels unless we somehow find a way to become that person.
You can get another child, husband, job, etc.
There is nothing that can replace what was lost. It’s almost like we are telling the person to just get over it.
Just get over it.
The pain of loss is real, and it is not something we just get over or magically decide to stop feeling.
It just takes time.
Grief does not just go away with time. It is a process that we have to work through. We have to be active in that process by doing things like reaching out for help. Just waiting for the grief to go away with time does not work.
What happened?
The person may not be ready to talk about what happened. This could also sound accusatory and bring up some feeling of guilt.
This is God’s will/ It’s your fault.
These phrases and other phrases like these make me cringe. We do not always know God’s will.
In the book of Job, Job is going through very deep grief. Some of his friends come to “comfort” him. Throughout this book, we see arguments back and forth as to why God is allowing righteous Job to suffer. Job’s friends argue that Job must have sinned and God is punishing him. This leads Job to defend himself and question if God is really just. Finally, at the end of the book, Job challenges God to answer him. In God’s response, we are reminded of the magnificence and complexity of the world we live in. We are also reminded that what we see is limited. We lack a universal standpoint. As we see from the book of Job, when we try to give reasons for suffering, we tend to simplify or blame God. Instead of giving us a black and white reason for suffering, God asks us to trust Him.
The Greatest Comfort
One of the most comforting things of all is knowing who the greatest comforter is and not losing sight of that. While it is great and essential to have a human support system, we also need God’s constant love and presence.
Throughout the Bible, we see God’s messages to us that help us know what to say to others.
What to say to someone grieving
I am for you. I love you (Romans 8:31-35).
Communicating to a friend or loved one we are there to support and love them through their storm is an encouraging response.
Come to me with your requests (Psalm 27).
Another good response is to let our friends know that we are there to listen. We can communicate this in two ways. The first is to simply state that I am here to listen. Secondly, ask some questions. An example of a question is what was your favorite thing about (the person/thing you lost).
You are not alone (Isaiah 41:10).
God made us to be relational. We need each other especially in times of grief. Just letting someone know they are not alone in the dark times is very comforting.
I’ve been where you are (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
After my miscarriage I (Jenalyn) was encouraged by a lot of different women reaching out to me and saying that they had been through it and that they were praying for me. This comforted me, knowing I wasn’t alone. When we go through grief, we can feel like we are all alone in that grief. It is nice to know there are others who will comfort us and pray with us through it. This can also alleviate some of the shame. It helps us reframe seeing our situation as a personal flaw to seeing it as a common struggle.
I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28).
When we go through grief, performing everyday tasks becomes more difficult. Asking for a specific way to help is a great way to support a person who is grieving.
Thank you for sharing
Let us not forget when someone chooses to share something deep and painful with us that is a privilege. It shows they trust us. It is always good to show appreciation for that trust and keep their confidentiality.
This is not an exhaustive list of things to say or not say. We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. What are some things people have said that were hurtful or helpful?
Solid lesson. I would say listening is the most important thing you can do. Secondly, if you are a good friend with that person, I would meet their needs in the way they would want them met, keeping in mind that communication may not come easy for them. It might mean telling them that you will mow their lawn or letting them know that you are bringing supper to them. Everyone grieves differently. Well done ladies!