My husband and I love children. We could not wait to have a baby of our own. You cannot imagine our grief after we miscarried not once but twice, or can you? I did not realize how many other women have gone through a misscarriage until I had one myself. Nor did I understand how painful it would be to lose a baby. I’m not writing this to get sympathy but to share some things that have comforted me through my journey.
The Bible says that God comforts us when we go through trials and in return we can comfort each other; 2 Corinthians 1:2-4 says:
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Getting the call
We were all eating at a restaurant when I felt my life was turned upside down. “Your levels are going down, you are going to lose your baby over the weekend,” the doctor told me over the phone. I thought at first maybe they were wrong, for the most part I felt fine. I didn’t fully start miscarrying until after a doctors appointment the following Wednesday. He left me with these thoughts. “It’s something that happens everyday. It’s just a thing your body cannot keep so it gets rid of it. There is nothing you can do”. I left that doctor filled with fear, grief, pain, shame, and guilt. If it was just something my body got rid of, was it right for me to grieve? Was there really anything there?
In this post, I am going to cover these emotions one by one. I am writing this post in this way first to help those who have gone through a miscarriage know that they are not alone and to share some ways to get past these emotions and second to help the family and friends of those going through a miscarriage know how to support the one they love.
Guilt
There were two reasons I felt guilty for grieving. The first was doubt that there was anything for me to grieve in the first place. Life starts in the womb at the moment of conception (Ps 139:13). I know this, but after leaving the doctors office, the seed of doubt was planted in my mind. I almost cried when a Bible class teacher at Polishing the Pulpit last year said even the miscarried babies are in paradise waiting for us. It was nice to be reassured of that.
Second, I felt guilty because there were others who lost their baby at birth or at an early age. What right did I have to grieve for someone I had never met?
Life can hit us hard in different ways. One thing this has taught me is that everyone’s grief is valid. We do not have to feel guilty for grief even if it seems smaller or different from someone else’s. The first step to overcoming grief is accepting that we are grieving. The longer we fight and resist our grief, the longer we will walk in it. The healing process starts when we accept where we are at and start reaching out for the help we need.
Shame
Shame over potential mistakes
What if I had done something different? There are several things I wish I could go back and change. Sometimes I think maybe if I had done something different, I would not have miscarried.
Note from a grief coach:
Sometimes our brains have a hard time recognizing when something is in the past, the present, or the future. Our brains can have the same worry and stress over something that has already happened or something that hasn’t happened yet. This is one reason we can get stuck in grief. We are focused on things we cannot change or have control over. We can learn things from our past that help us have a better present but we cannot change the past. The present is our only center of power and it is where we want to focus. Instead of asking, “What could I have done differently?” We want to ask ourselves, “What can I do now to get to where I want to be?”
I can also focus on what God can do. He can take any situation and work it out for the good (Romans 8:28). One of the verse that has helped me is Jeremiah 29:11; it says in this verse that God has a plan for me.
Shame over questioning God
Another thing we might feel shame over is questioning God. During grief we often wonder why? Why me, God? Why would you allow this to happen? Just having those questions can be a source of shame. It makes us wonder if our faith is strong.
Grief does not negate our faith
Grief can actually lead us on a journey to a deeper faith. Jesus was described as a man acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3). We naturally will grieve when we lose something. As Christians, we do not have to grieve without hope. Hope makes all the difference. Romans 5:3-5 encourages,
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
Fear
After the first miscarriage, I was filled with fear that it would happen again. I kept begging God to protect me from another loss. I told him I was not strong enough. The day after my birthday, I miscarried for the second time. God gave me the strength I needed to get through it. I did not have to rely on my own strength. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God encourages Paul by saying “ My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”
God is with us every step of the way. Even when we go through the valley of the shadow of death, God is with us, Psalm 23:4,
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
Also in Joshua 1:9, God says to be strong and courageous and not afraid because he goes with us. We do not have to walk through this alone. We can courageously face our fears because God goes with us. Once we face our fear, it loses power over us.
Reach out
Reach out to God
My biggest source of strength in this time is God. Philippians 4:6-7 says when we bring our request to God, His peace will guard our heart and mind. Countless times I have poured my troubled heart out to God in prayer and finished with His peace washing over me. Some times my heart is too heavy to get the right words out. Romans 8:26 tells us the Holy Spirit helps in our weakness. I also find comfort from reading His word. Lately, I have been reading though the Psalms; it is full of all kinds of emotions. Several of which I can relate to in this time. Through all the emotions the Psalmist feels, he finds that God is the source of all things and the one he can trust 100%.
Reach out to others
I also want to encourage you if you are going through a miscarriage to reach out to another Christian woman who has gone through a miscarriage or to a grief coach. I am so thankful that Abigail is going through grief coach training; she has encouraged and helped me out a lot. If you would like some coaching or prayers, send us a message.
The Big Question
Why? Why love something if in the end you are just going to lose it? That is one of the tough questions of living in a fallen world. However, do we ever actually completely lose the ones we love? Something we learn when we are babies is a concept called object permanence. Object permanence is understanding that even when we cannot see something, it is still there. Similarly, we learn about emotional permanence. Even when we are not physically connected with a person we love, we carry their love with us. The love we carry with us is what gives us the courage to go out and explore the world. The same is true even when we lose someone. The love we gave and received is something that we always carry with us.
Leave a Reply