Tips to Avoid Sleep Dating

On the biggest night in history, Jesus prayed earnestly to His Father. Rising from prayer, He found His disciples sleeping. Did they know what was about to happen? Did they grasp the magnitude of what would take place? If they understood, would they have slept? In Mark’s account, Jesus addresses Peter, the one who in his weakness would deny Jesus, “….Simon are you asleep? Could you not watch one hour? Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Mark 14:37-38, ESV).

What is Sleep Dating?

At this point, you are probably wondering what this account in Mark has to do with dating. Several times in the Bible, we are warned to be watchful so we can escape temptation. One of the more popular passages is 1 Peter 5:8 which warns,

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (ESV).

It seems like we are watchful in many areas but one area we seem to struggle with staying watchful is dating. If we are not watchful in dating, we can face a lot of temptations to compromise our purity, our faith, our values, or our character.  The choices we make when we are dating can also have positive or negative consequences on our values for marriage. Sleep dating occurs when we get so caught up in the feels we ignore the importance of the choices we make and guarding our heart from temptations. Proverbs 4:23 warns,

“Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life” (NKJV). 

The debate has gone on in Christian circles whether dating or courtship is a more Christ-like method for getting to know a person and protecting our heart. We recognize dating can have negative consequences like heartbreak so we search for a method that will eliminate heartbreak. However, no method is heartbreak-proof. When we focus on the method, we miss the bigger issue. It’s not about the method as much as maturity, the ability to make wise choices, and the ability to stay awake and aware of temptations.

Tips to avoid sleep dating

Tip#1 Recognize you are at war

We are in a war. In 1 Peter 2:11, Peter urges Christians,

“Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which war against your soul” (ESV).

Galatians 5:16-17 also states,

“But I say, walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.” (ESV).  

We have a battle waging in our hearts between the desires of our flesh and the desires of the Spirit of God. In dating, this battle can sometimes be pretty heated. We need to ask ourselves if we are mature enough in our faith to obey God’s commands even in the heat of a moment. Are we mature enough to recognize and be honest about what motivates our decisions? Are we motivated by the love of God or the fear caused by our fleshly desires? Can we recognize what situations cause us to be tempted and set boundaries around those situations?

The chapter in Galatians then goes on to talk about the works of the flesh verses the works of the Spirit. This list can help us recognize if we are in step with the Spirit or walking after the flesh? It also helps us recognize which people are obeying God’s commands.  Once we recognize this, we must muster up the courage to say no to people who are walking in the flesh. To make wise choices in our battle, we also need to prepare.

Tip #2 Prepare

Before you enter a dating relationship, know your boundaries. How far is too far physically? What are your emotional boundaries? What kind of person will you date or not date? If you know these things before you enter a relationship, it will be easier for you to make wise choices. Boundaries In Dating and Safe People by Dr. Cloud and Townsend are excellent resources to learn more about setting boundaries.

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Okay, back to the tips.

Tip #3 Enlist Help

Once you know your boundaries, communicate them to trusted friends and mentors who will help you stay committed. When considering dating someone, ask your friends and mentors if they think dating that person would be a good choice for you. In our resource library, we have questions to ask yourself when considering a relationship. You can use this resource on your own or you can go through it with a mentor. Ecclesiastes 4 talks about the importance in numbers. In our fight we may fall a couple of times. Mentors will help us get back up. We may also be blinded by our emotions. We need the advice and counsel of other Christians.

Tip #4 Keep yourself in the light

Have you ever noticed when you feel like you are doing something wrong your natural instinct is to hide? John 3:20-21 tells us why we try to hide:

“For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.” 

When we are ashamed of our works, we hide them for fear of exposure. When our works are done in wisdom, we come to the light. There is no longer any fear of exposure. This gives us a good test to help keep us on track when we are dating. Would you feel comfortable bringing to the light your interactions with your boyfriend, or do you fear exposure? Would you feel comfortable with people knowing who you are choosing to date? When we date, let us strive to only engage in activities and behaviors we would feel comfortable bringing to the light.

This is also a good test to avoid those who have harmful intentions. Those with harmful or self-seeking intentions will hide from the light. Watch out for people who try to isolate you.

Tip #5 Don’t Give in to Pressure

In our culture, young people receive a lot of pressure to get into a romantic relationship. We do not have to give into that pressure. Sometimes we need a break from the dating scene to build a strong foundation and to learn three things.

# 1 Learn whose you are. As a daughter of God, do you know your Father? When we know the awesome things God does for His people, it is easier for us to trust and obey Him. This is helpful in dating because sometimes obeying God does not make sense to us in the moment. It may feel like if we obey God, the outcome will not be good. When we learn about our Father, we learn the outcome of obeying God may not be what we want but it will always be for our good.

#2 Learn who you are. God has great promises for those who are His. Do you know what those promises are? Do you know what God thinks about you? When we know what God says about us and we put our worth in those things, we will not be looking to relationships to fulfill us.

#3 Learn why you are. Why are you here? What is your purpose? In the Bible, we learn that we are made to seek and serve God. What does that look like for you? How can you use your talents to serve God? When your purpose is clear and centered on God, it is easier to know what boundaries you need to set.

Tip #6 Remember the most important thing, love.

Dating is just for fun, right? I think this idea is the biggest contributor to sleep dating. We focus more on pleasure than on the responsibility to make wise choices. We forget that we are called to love each other. When I say love, I am not talking about the warm fuzzy feelings we often associate with love. I am talking about the kind of love that considers the other person’s well-being. Philippians 2:3 admonishes,

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself” (ESV).  

This type of love gives us courage to make the hard decisions. True love encourages honesty about our values, who we are, and our level of commitment to the relationship, even if, honesty changes the status of our relationship. Love helps us stand strong against temptation. Because of love, we resolve not to temp others. These decisions can be scary it may mean that we do not get what we want. However, these decisions help us grow and shape our character.

Final Tip

Finally, I encourage you to watch and pray. As Jesus told Peter, our spirit is willing but our flesh is weak. Peter had good intentions of standing up for Jesus to the end, but in the heat of the moment he caved. We may have good intentions of keeping ourselves holy and making wise choices. However, if we are not watchful, in the heat of the moment, we may make a mistake that hurts God, ourselves, and others. To avoid this, we must be strong. Be on guard. Be awake.